My story Part 2 . . . path to healing

I spent more than a year in indecision before I finally decided on a divorce.  

During this time, I had blamed myself for my failing marriage.  I blamed myself for him looking elsewhere to fill a void in his life.  I didn't feel attractive, desirable, or like I had anything to offer.  Here I was with two little boys that knew nothing but me as their caregiver, no job, no money, no idea what to do.  I had lost almost 20 pounds . . . if you know me, I don't have 20 pounds to lose.  So for those of you that don't know me, I wore a size 00 - that's a double zero.  I never wore a size 00 in my life!  

I immediately went into saving my marriage mode.  I scheduled to meet with a marriage counselor.  My husband went to two sessions and didn't want to go back.  I got books on how marriages could survive infidelity.  I got a book on how divorce affects the children and gave him a copy. I would start crying watching them play and try to hide.  They would find me.  My oldest just being in kindergarten would draw me A+'s and tell me what a great mom I was.  My baby, at only 3 would give me his most valued treasure, his blanket, to make me feel better.  I would just cry harder.  One day it hit me.  I couldn't possibly let them take care of me.  They were just babies.  I had to find the strength to be a better person, a better mom, for them.  I didn't know what to do but I couldn't let my kids down.  That is one thing that I did know.  

I asked my husband to move out.  It was too hard for me to see him every day. I started opening up to my friends and asking for help.  It really is hard to ask for help.  But one thing the counselor asked me really hit home.  He asked if my best friend told me she was going through something like me, but then said she didn't want to call and bother me, how would I feel?  I would have felt terrible that I didn't even have the chance to be there for her.  Of course I would have wanted her to wake me up in the middle of the night or call me during the day when everything might be hectic.  I'm her friend and I want to be there for her!  Wow!  What an "aha!" moment.

Anyway, I went from self-help books on how to recover from infidelity to self-help books in the form of loving yourself.  That's when I started to feel the changes happening within me.  I looked at my boys and realized that they were the best gift that marriage had given me.  Nothing else mattered.  I kept going to the counseling sessions because I always felt better and validated.  

I'd always hated to read until this time of my life.  I couldn't get enough of these books.  I was finding so much more that I had missed in life.  I found that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I realized how many gifts I had in my life and how lucky I was to be me.  

All of this coincided with learning the martial arts.  I started at Kovar's because my kindergartner was already there.  The dojo was filled with positive feelings and people.  Everyone wanted to see each other succeed.  What a great place to spend time when going through everything else that was still so undecided.  Oh, and hitting or kicking things.  Yes, definitely hitting and kicking things made me feel better!  

After a little more than a year, I had decided on divorce.  We had gone back and forth but things just weren't going the right direction for us.  I rarely felt good about "us".  I had started feeling more confident, my self-esteem was growing every day, and I think he felt me slipping away.  That's when he started to work a little harder at "keeping" me.  By then, I was already disconnected and ready to build a new life.

*there is an awful lot being left out here and my now ex has his own side to the story, of course. 

Annnnnnndddddd . . . I'm not done.  Stay tuned . . .