Sometimes it takes some work but
Caution: this is my story and you may need a box of kleenex. My closest friends and family may know this story, but here it is laid out for the world to see. I am writing this for those out there that may be going through something similar or know someone that is . . . please share this with them! Also, I am asking for your compassion. You never know what someone else is going through - what their story is and where they come from.
Oh, and this is going to be spread into more than one post. Too much for me to share in just one. Just remember at the end of each post that I am living the "happily ever after", with the true love of my life, I have found myself, I know who I am and what I deserve in this life.
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There was a time in my life where I looked at everyone and envied what they had - mind you, I really had no idea what they really had. I saw what I felt was missing in my life. A husband that would hold my hand, a husband that loved me for me, a man that respected me and wanted to do whatever it would take to raise our kids together. I saw happiness and LOVE around me and thought these people were so lucky.
None of my friends had been divorced or were going through divorce or breakups or having any issues that I knew of. They all "looked" like their lives were great. Of course, that's all I could see through my depressing blinders. I saw everything I was losing. I was seeing all the negative things in my life - not the positives. This was when I had to really struggle to find myself. You see, I was a stay-at-home mom that hadn't had a traditional job in almost seven years. At three and five years, my two boys had never been in daycare.
Here I was, not even thirty-five and facing divorce. I'd found out my husband - the man I had spent over ten years with, who I thought was the love of my life - my soulmate, was having an affair. There were signs and I wasn't a paranoid person. All I can say is listen to your gut. It's usually right. Not always but there's probably something there not being said, being hidden, or something. I had this nagging feeling. Things just weren't right. I knew it. I thought I knew him and didn't want to admit it.
It was two days before Valentine's (a Friday night). I waited into the middle of the night when I was sure my husband was sleeping. I quietly got out of bed and searched his truck. I thought I wouldn't find anything. I thought I was going to put all of my insecurities to rest. He was my best friend, my soul mate . . . I would have used words like honorable, hard-working, dedicated and loving to describe him. I did not prepare myself for the "what if" I found something.
In his portfolio, there it was. A Valentine's card referring to "our hot torrid affair" and two one-hour hotel receipts - the card was, of course, not signed. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. I woke him up in tears and confronted him. I yelled, I cried. I don't remember him saying much of anything. I basically packed a bag and ran away. Sick to my stomach, I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to or what i was going to do. I just wanted to be HOME and pretend like I hadn't found anything. I did return home because I had no idea what my kids would think or what my husband would say to them when they woke up and I wasn't there.
I was sick to my stomach all weekend - had to cancel obligations for a party I was supposed to be having on Sunday because I was not even functional. Thank goodness for my mom because she took the kids for me without knowing what was going on.
I was ashamed, embarrassed, scared, so many negative emotions that I couldn't possibly process. I felt like a failure. Despite what I found out, what he did, I still wanted to make it work. More heartbreaking than the actual affair was the fact that he didn't want to fight for us, for our family, for our future. I truly understand what it means to have a broken heart.
I spent countless days and nights crying. I closed myself off from most of my friends. I only shared this with my best friend and my mom. I didn't want to be judged or have him judged if we did end up staying together. Hiding away from the world what I was really feeling and presenting myself like I still had the perfect life and the perfect family. NOT dealing with my problems or healing myself.
THIS IS WHY I ASK FOR COMPASSION. It might not be that you're not approachable, it might just be that other person. They have their reasons. Just a smile could mean so much to a person that is struggling with something on their own. When they are ready, they will reach out.
I almost ended this post here but I don't want to leave you on a sad note. Where to go from here? Well, I found a counselor. I begged my husband to go. He went to two sessions and didn't want to go back. Me, I knew I needed something. I went by myself and started the healing process. I also found martial arts. My son started taking classes when he was four and I decided I needed to do something for myself. These were the two best decisions I made!
More to come . . . so stay tuned.
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