My story Part 2 . . . path to healing

I spent more than a year in indecision before I finally decided on a divorce.  

During this time, I had blamed myself for my failing marriage.  I blamed myself for him looking elsewhere to fill a void in his life.  I didn't feel attractive, desirable, or like I had anything to offer.  Here I was with two little boys that knew nothing but me as their caregiver, no job, no money, no idea what to do.  I had lost almost 20 pounds . . . if you know me, I don't have 20 pounds to lose.  So for those of you that don't know me, I wore a size 00 - that's a double zero.  I never wore a size 00 in my life!  

I immediately went into saving my marriage mode.  I scheduled to meet with a marriage counselor.  My husband went to two sessions and didn't want to go back.  I got books on how marriages could survive infidelity.  I got a book on how divorce affects the children and gave him a copy. I would start crying watching them play and try to hide.  They would find me.  My oldest just being in kindergarten would draw me A+'s and tell me what a great mom I was.  My baby, at only 3 would give me his most valued treasure, his blanket, to make me feel better.  I would just cry harder.  One day it hit me.  I couldn't possibly let them take care of me.  They were just babies.  I had to find the strength to be a better person, a better mom, for them.  I didn't know what to do but I couldn't let my kids down.  That is one thing that I did know.  

I asked my husband to move out.  It was too hard for me to see him every day. I started opening up to my friends and asking for help.  It really is hard to ask for help.  But one thing the counselor asked me really hit home.  He asked if my best friend told me she was going through something like me, but then said she didn't want to call and bother me, how would I feel?  I would have felt terrible that I didn't even have the chance to be there for her.  Of course I would have wanted her to wake me up in the middle of the night or call me during the day when everything might be hectic.  I'm her friend and I want to be there for her!  Wow!  What an "aha!" moment.

Anyway, I went from self-help books on how to recover from infidelity to self-help books in the form of loving yourself.  That's when I started to feel the changes happening within me.  I looked at my boys and realized that they were the best gift that marriage had given me.  Nothing else mattered.  I kept going to the counseling sessions because I always felt better and validated.  

I'd always hated to read until this time of my life.  I couldn't get enough of these books.  I was finding so much more that I had missed in life.  I found that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I realized how many gifts I had in my life and how lucky I was to be me.  

All of this coincided with learning the martial arts.  I started at Kovar's because my kindergartner was already there.  The dojo was filled with positive feelings and people.  Everyone wanted to see each other succeed.  What a great place to spend time when going through everything else that was still so undecided.  Oh, and hitting or kicking things.  Yes, definitely hitting and kicking things made me feel better!  

After a little more than a year, I had decided on divorce.  We had gone back and forth but things just weren't going the right direction for us.  I rarely felt good about "us".  I had started feeling more confident, my self-esteem was growing every day, and I think he felt me slipping away.  That's when he started to work a little harder at "keeping" me.  By then, I was already disconnected and ready to build a new life.

*there is an awful lot being left out here and my now ex has his own side to the story, of course. 

Annnnnnndddddd . . . I'm not done.  Stay tuned . . .  

What I learned from Part 1 of my story

"Take the first step in faith. You don't 

have to see the whole staircase. 

Just take the first step." 

- Martin Luther King Jr. 

I learned not to make assumptions about other people.  Sometimes we only show people what we want them to see.  What you see from people is not necessarily what's going on inside their home, their mind, their lives.  

I learned not to judge people for decisions they make that I don't understand.  I remember wondering how a woman could stay with a man that had cheated on her.  Now I get it.  The whole picture for me was beyond the choice he had made.  It was my kids, my family, my future, and so much more.

I learned to love me for me.  I found respect for myself.  I realized I deserved better and deserved to be treated better.  

I learned that I didn't need a man in my life to complete me.

I learned that I couldn't hide from my problems.  I had to deal with them.

I learned to look at all the positive things in my life - as small as I thought they were.

Most of all, I learned forgiveness.  I had to forgive myself and him and the "other woman".  To really move forward with my life, I had to forgive.  Holding onto that negativity was poisoning me, holding me back from moving forward.

I took things one step at a time.  It was all I could do.  I'm so glad I did because just when I thought my world was coming to an end and I didn't want to deal with the reality of what was happening, that's when my heart opened up to a whole new world filled with love and support.

There's so much love and support out there.  I realized when I opened myself up to it, my true friends didn't judge me - they listened.  They cried.  Some shared struggles that they were going through themselves but never talked about.  They were there for me. It was just what I needed and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

It's true that you really find out who your true friends are when you need them the most.

Part 2 on its way . . . I promise!

It's never too late . . . my story (part 1)

Sometimes it takes some work but

Caution:  this is my story and you may need a box of kleenex.  My closest friends and family may know this story, but here it is laid out for the world to see.  I am writing this for those out there that may be going through something similar or know someone that is . . . please share this with them!  Also, I am asking for your compassion.  You never know what someone else is going through - what their story is and where they come from.

Oh, and this is going to be spread into more than one post.  Too much for me to share in just one.  Just remember at the end of each post that I am living the "happily ever after", with the true love of my life, I have found myself, I know who I am and what I deserve in this life.

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There was a time in my life where I looked at everyone and envied what they had - mind you, I really had no idea what they really had.  I saw what I felt was missing in my life.  A husband that would hold my hand, a husband that loved me for me, a man that respected me and wanted to do whatever it would take to raise our kids together.  I saw happiness and LOVE around me and thought these people were so lucky.  

None of my friends had been divorced or were going through divorce or breakups or having any issues that I knew of.  They all "looked" like their lives were great.  Of course, that's all I could see through my depressing blinders.  I saw everything I was losing.  I was seeing all the negative things in my life - not the positives.  This was when I had to really struggle to find myself.  You see, I was a stay-at-home mom that hadn't had a traditional job in almost seven years.  At three and five years, my two boys had never been in daycare.  

Here I was, not even thirty-five and facing divorce.  I'd found out my husband - the man I had spent over ten years with, who I thought was the love of my life - my soulmate, was having an affair.  There were signs and I wasn't a paranoid person.  All I can say is listen to your gut.  It's usually right.  Not always but there's probably something there not being said, being hidden, or something.  I had this nagging feeling.  Things just weren't right.  I knew it.  I thought I knew him and didn't want to admit it.

It was two days before Valentine's (a Friday night).  I waited into the middle of the night when I was sure my husband was sleeping. I quietly got out of bed and searched his truck.  I thought I wouldn't find anything.  I thought I was going to put all of my insecurities to rest.  He was my best friend, my soul mate . . . I would have used words like honorable, hard-working, dedicated and loving to describe him.  I did not prepare myself for the "what if" I found something.  

In his portfolio, there it was.  A Valentine's card referring to "our hot torrid affair" and two one-hour hotel receipts - the card was, of course, not signed.  I was devastated.  I didn't know what to do.  I woke him up in tears and confronted him.  I yelled, I cried.  I don't remember him saying much of anything. I basically packed a bag and ran away.  Sick to my stomach, I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to or what i was going to do.  I just wanted to be HOME and pretend like I hadn't found anything.  I did return home because I had no idea what my kids would think or what my husband would say to them when they woke up and I wasn't there.  

 I was sick to my stomach all weekend - had to cancel obligations for a party I was supposed to be having on Sunday because I was not even functional.  Thank goodness for my mom because she took the kids for me without knowing what was going on.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, scared, so many negative emotions that I couldn't possibly process.  I felt like a failure.  Despite what I found out, what he did, I still wanted to make it work.  More heartbreaking than the actual affair was the fact that he didn't want to fight for us, for our family, for our future.  I truly understand what it means to have a broken heart.

I spent countless days and nights crying.  I closed myself off from most of my friends.  I only shared this with my best friend and my mom.  I didn't want to be judged or have him judged if we did end up staying together.  Hiding away from the world what I was really feeling and presenting myself like I still had the perfect life and the perfect family.  NOT dealing with my problems or healing myself.

THIS IS WHY I ASK FOR COMPASSION.  It might not be that you're not approachable, it might just be that other person.  They have their reasons.  Just a smile could mean so much to a person that is struggling with something on their own.  When they are ready, they will reach out.

I almost ended this post here but I don't want to leave you on a sad note.  Where to go from here?  Well, I found a counselor.  I begged my husband to go.  He went to two sessions and didn't want to go back.  Me, I knew I needed something.  I went by myself and started the healing process.  I also found martial arts.  My son started taking classes when he was four and I decided I needed to do something for myself.  These were the two best decisions I made!  

More to come . . . so stay tuned.