My Story - part 4 . . . moving on

This was the first pic of us on a date where we went for a walk on the American River.

 

 “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

Author: Henry Stanley Haskins

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Yes, we met on Match.com!!!  :-)  I wanted to ask to take a picture on our first date but I didn't want to seem too excited.  Now I wish I had!  I did take take a picture of him, however.

We spent a couple of months with online chats, video chatting and talking on the phone.  When we finally met it was kind of weird.  A blind date, but not.  ???

Anyway, things went really fast for us and it just felt "right."  What I remember most (besides how good-looking he still is) was how he made me laugh.  We had fun and I really needed to have fun again.

When Chris met my boys, they instantly took to him and I still joke that he only married me so he could play with them.  Video games with Aden, swimming in the pool, creating and building things with Ethan, camping - everything.  I didn't realize what a serious family we were until he came along.  The kids didn't know a joke when he threw one at them.  When they finally started to come around, they wouldn't believe him and would look to me and ask if he was serious. Nowadays, he doesn't get much past them and we can all laugh.

So when I say things went fast . . . well, he moved in fairly quickly.  I think it was only a few months after our first actual date.  Then I think it was about seven months later he proposed (on the beaches in Playa Del Carmen!) and we got married about 4 months later. No, not wasting any time here!  He wanted a child and I always wanted another baby, so moving right along . . . we had my youngest son a little over a year later.

Now don't get me wrong.  It wasn't ALL wine & roses and romance.  We went through a lot to get where we are today.  Even to the point of him moving out while I was pregnant.  We were at odds and here I was  . . . no longer scared to be on my own and knowing I would do what I had to do for myself and for my kids - with or without him.  So, learning everything I did through my divorce made me so independent, I wasn't very flexible. We argued a lot but I remember he was always able to make me laugh. I remember feeling like I was robbing him of these experiences I was having while pregnant.  He didn't have kids so this would have been new for him.  Talon was kicking me from the inside and I was sad he wasn't there to share it with him.  He moved back in and it was really hard.  I was hormonal, emotional, tired, BIG . . . (Ladies, I know you get this if you have been pregnant.  Guys, you get that if you've had a wife or girlfriend and seen them through pregnancy, right?)  Anyway, we went through lots of counseling and learning how to understand, communicate and support each other.  I think having Talon (along with the counseling) really helped both of us.  How could we not love this little guy? He was amazing and we made him!  The big boys were so in love with him.  I also think that it helped Chris understand me better now that he was a father himself - how I would "handle" my boys and my mood swings when they went with their dad.

As you can see we did survive our stubborn ways and have made a really nice life for ourselves.  We respect each other, have fun and make each other laugh.  We still get mad and have our differences but we have learned to accept them for what they are and we actually get past them pretty quickly now.

We are really enjoying the family life and spending time with each other and our kids.

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I didn't forget . . . I'm still going to share how the martial arts has helped me along with some of the books and authors that I have fallen in love with because they have been so influential to me on this journey we call life.

My Story Part 3 - finding myself again

“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”

Author: Denis Waitley

If you're following my story, thank you.  I am sharing all of this because I just feel I need to and I'm hoping some of you out there can gain something from it or share it with someone that can.  Besides, I'm having fun!

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So during that year of indecision, I had a lot of work to do.  As a stay-at-home mom I felt like my circles were really small.  I felt like I needed to branch out and get back into society.  I needed to make some changes.  I had isolated myself and I didn't even realize it.  I think that I had put all my focus on my kids when things weren't going well with my husband.  Instead, I suppose I should have been trying to figure out what was going on with my marriage back then.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  However, I don't regret anything because, like I said before, if I had done things differently, I wouldn't be where I am today . . . who I am today . . . and I kinda like me and where I am!  :-)

As I said in my last post, I started taking karate classes.  This led me down a whole new path and I had no idea how it was going to change my life.  Renshi Duarte pictured with me below, played a big part in the success of my transformation.   This was my first belt promotion and what a great feeling!  This was the best way for me to begin the healing process.  I had no idea karate offered so much in life skills.  I had a whole new perspective on life with what I was learning here at Kovars - the mental martial arts.  I even started working there and found confidence in myself being back in the workplace.  Being in such a positive atmosphere with such nice people with the philosophies they were teaching was the best medicine for my heart.  I'll get back to the martial arts but on with the story.

With the martial arts and the counseling sessions I started finding confidence in myself and meeting new people.  I even found I was open to them.  I decided I needed to have fun . . . for me, without the kids.  I needed to focus on what I needed so I could be what they needed.  

So off to Vegas I went!  Hey, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!  I now understand what that means!  (hee-hee)  No really!  I HAD to go for a convention with my scrapbooking business (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it!).  So glad I went.  Man, who knew that scrapbooking ladies knew how to party!  Convention was at the Mirage, our room was there, and the live band was there.  My best friend and I walked up to the stage and these ladies were putting sunglasses on me and feather boas . . . I don't know if I would have been so bold if they hadn't yanked me up there and started including me in their shenanigans!  I was finally able to hang loose. 

The rest is history!!! Haha, not really but it sure was a start.  As I started having fun again, I realized I still had "it".  Men noticed me and I realized that I was attractive and I was fun and I was all the things I had lost or had doubted because of my own negativity as a result of my failing marriage.  I found that the women I was surrounded by were so kind and understanding. I thought I was going to be judged (probably because that's what I had done with other people until this point).  Wow, what a wake up call!

Ok, so I planned ANOTHER trip back to Vegas with the girls - yes, I totally needed it!  ALL KINDS OF FUN to be had . . . but what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas so I can't tell you much more.  :-)  And a trip to Europe that resulted from that second trip to Vegas! 

Back to reality . . . At this point, I was still playing this game of ping pong about what to do with my marriage.  I was confused about what I wanted.  Did I really want my marriage/family life back?  I wasn't sure I wanted it back now.  Did I really want to be back out in that scary world of dating and play the role of the single mom?  It was a lot to take in and my mind was changing daily depending on the occurrences of that particular day.  Part of the reason for the confusion was now I was feeling guilty that I didn't want it back.  Now I had a failing marriage because of my decisions and I was failing my kids.  My husband had started taking steps to let me know he wanted to make it work and I had checked out.  Now I was hurting him the way he had hurt me.  I found I had to take responsibility for my decisions and actions.  I couldn't stay in this indecision any longer.  Here I was NOT wanting my marriage anymore.  I told him I wanted a divorce, found a lawyer, and started the paperwork.

One night I came home upset with my soon to be ex-husband who had taken the kids that night (since we were separated).  I decided to look at Match.com just to see how I felt about meeting someone new.  Hmmmmm, interestingly enough I was paired with my ex who was also online within that hour.  Now I was steaming.  I really didn't have the right but I didn't understand why he was saying and doing all the things he was to get me back that night and then to find this.  That was the nail in the coffin for me and I was done for sure.  Now when I look back, I think I was looking for something to be the "reason" rather than just making a decision on my own.  I think I was totally stressed because I knew I wanted to end it but I didn't want to hurt him or disappoint my kids.  Once I had "reason" enough (though I shouldn't have waited for it), it was a relief.

Anyway, out of spite, I set up my own account and browsed around the single men . . . Oh, I found a cute one!  I "winked" at him (match talk for: sending a smiley face letting someone know you're interested).  I really had no idea how this worked but here I was . . . and I was having fun.  I was excited about starting a new life and meeting someone new.    

Guess who it was that I was checking out on Match???

  . . . do you want to stay tuned?  

My story Part 2 . . . path to healing

I spent more than a year in indecision before I finally decided on a divorce.  

During this time, I had blamed myself for my failing marriage.  I blamed myself for him looking elsewhere to fill a void in his life.  I didn't feel attractive, desirable, or like I had anything to offer.  Here I was with two little boys that knew nothing but me as their caregiver, no job, no money, no idea what to do.  I had lost almost 20 pounds . . . if you know me, I don't have 20 pounds to lose.  So for those of you that don't know me, I wore a size 00 - that's a double zero.  I never wore a size 00 in my life!  

I immediately went into saving my marriage mode.  I scheduled to meet with a marriage counselor.  My husband went to two sessions and didn't want to go back.  I got books on how marriages could survive infidelity.  I got a book on how divorce affects the children and gave him a copy. I would start crying watching them play and try to hide.  They would find me.  My oldest just being in kindergarten would draw me A+'s and tell me what a great mom I was.  My baby, at only 3 would give me his most valued treasure, his blanket, to make me feel better.  I would just cry harder.  One day it hit me.  I couldn't possibly let them take care of me.  They were just babies.  I had to find the strength to be a better person, a better mom, for them.  I didn't know what to do but I couldn't let my kids down.  That is one thing that I did know.  

I asked my husband to move out.  It was too hard for me to see him every day. I started opening up to my friends and asking for help.  It really is hard to ask for help.  But one thing the counselor asked me really hit home.  He asked if my best friend told me she was going through something like me, but then said she didn't want to call and bother me, how would I feel?  I would have felt terrible that I didn't even have the chance to be there for her.  Of course I would have wanted her to wake me up in the middle of the night or call me during the day when everything might be hectic.  I'm her friend and I want to be there for her!  Wow!  What an "aha!" moment.

Anyway, I went from self-help books on how to recover from infidelity to self-help books in the form of loving yourself.  That's when I started to feel the changes happening within me.  I looked at my boys and realized that they were the best gift that marriage had given me.  Nothing else mattered.  I kept going to the counseling sessions because I always felt better and validated.  

I'd always hated to read until this time of my life.  I couldn't get enough of these books.  I was finding so much more that I had missed in life.  I found that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I realized how many gifts I had in my life and how lucky I was to be me.  

All of this coincided with learning the martial arts.  I started at Kovar's because my kindergartner was already there.  The dojo was filled with positive feelings and people.  Everyone wanted to see each other succeed.  What a great place to spend time when going through everything else that was still so undecided.  Oh, and hitting or kicking things.  Yes, definitely hitting and kicking things made me feel better!  

After a little more than a year, I had decided on divorce.  We had gone back and forth but things just weren't going the right direction for us.  I rarely felt good about "us".  I had started feeling more confident, my self-esteem was growing every day, and I think he felt me slipping away.  That's when he started to work a little harder at "keeping" me.  By then, I was already disconnected and ready to build a new life.

*there is an awful lot being left out here and my now ex has his own side to the story, of course. 

Annnnnnndddddd . . . I'm not done.  Stay tuned . . .  

What I learned from Part 1 of my story

"Take the first step in faith. You don't 

have to see the whole staircase. 

Just take the first step." 

- Martin Luther King Jr. 

I learned not to make assumptions about other people.  Sometimes we only show people what we want them to see.  What you see from people is not necessarily what's going on inside their home, their mind, their lives.  

I learned not to judge people for decisions they make that I don't understand.  I remember wondering how a woman could stay with a man that had cheated on her.  Now I get it.  The whole picture for me was beyond the choice he had made.  It was my kids, my family, my future, and so much more.

I learned to love me for me.  I found respect for myself.  I realized I deserved better and deserved to be treated better.  

I learned that I didn't need a man in my life to complete me.

I learned that I couldn't hide from my problems.  I had to deal with them.

I learned to look at all the positive things in my life - as small as I thought they were.

Most of all, I learned forgiveness.  I had to forgive myself and him and the "other woman".  To really move forward with my life, I had to forgive.  Holding onto that negativity was poisoning me, holding me back from moving forward.

I took things one step at a time.  It was all I could do.  I'm so glad I did because just when I thought my world was coming to an end and I didn't want to deal with the reality of what was happening, that's when my heart opened up to a whole new world filled with love and support.

There's so much love and support out there.  I realized when I opened myself up to it, my true friends didn't judge me - they listened.  They cried.  Some shared struggles that they were going through themselves but never talked about.  They were there for me. It was just what I needed and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

It's true that you really find out who your true friends are when you need them the most.

Part 2 on its way . . . I promise!

It's never too late . . . my story (part 1)

Sometimes it takes some work but

Caution:  this is my story and you may need a box of kleenex.  My closest friends and family may know this story, but here it is laid out for the world to see.  I am writing this for those out there that may be going through something similar or know someone that is . . . please share this with them!  Also, I am asking for your compassion.  You never know what someone else is going through - what their story is and where they come from.

Oh, and this is going to be spread into more than one post.  Too much for me to share in just one.  Just remember at the end of each post that I am living the "happily ever after", with the true love of my life, I have found myself, I know who I am and what I deserve in this life.

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There was a time in my life where I looked at everyone and envied what they had - mind you, I really had no idea what they really had.  I saw what I felt was missing in my life.  A husband that would hold my hand, a husband that loved me for me, a man that respected me and wanted to do whatever it would take to raise our kids together.  I saw happiness and LOVE around me and thought these people were so lucky.  

None of my friends had been divorced or were going through divorce or breakups or having any issues that I knew of.  They all "looked" like their lives were great.  Of course, that's all I could see through my depressing blinders.  I saw everything I was losing.  I was seeing all the negative things in my life - not the positives.  This was when I had to really struggle to find myself.  You see, I was a stay-at-home mom that hadn't had a traditional job in almost seven years.  At three and five years, my two boys had never been in daycare.  

Here I was, not even thirty-five and facing divorce.  I'd found out my husband - the man I had spent over ten years with, who I thought was the love of my life - my soulmate, was having an affair.  There were signs and I wasn't a paranoid person.  All I can say is listen to your gut.  It's usually right.  Not always but there's probably something there not being said, being hidden, or something.  I had this nagging feeling.  Things just weren't right.  I knew it.  I thought I knew him and didn't want to admit it.

It was two days before Valentine's (a Friday night).  I waited into the middle of the night when I was sure my husband was sleeping. I quietly got out of bed and searched his truck.  I thought I wouldn't find anything.  I thought I was going to put all of my insecurities to rest.  He was my best friend, my soul mate . . . I would have used words like honorable, hard-working, dedicated and loving to describe him.  I did not prepare myself for the "what if" I found something.  

In his portfolio, there it was.  A Valentine's card referring to "our hot torrid affair" and two one-hour hotel receipts - the card was, of course, not signed.  I was devastated.  I didn't know what to do.  I woke him up in tears and confronted him.  I yelled, I cried.  I don't remember him saying much of anything. I basically packed a bag and ran away.  Sick to my stomach, I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to or what i was going to do.  I just wanted to be HOME and pretend like I hadn't found anything.  I did return home because I had no idea what my kids would think or what my husband would say to them when they woke up and I wasn't there.  

 I was sick to my stomach all weekend - had to cancel obligations for a party I was supposed to be having on Sunday because I was not even functional.  Thank goodness for my mom because she took the kids for me without knowing what was going on.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, scared, so many negative emotions that I couldn't possibly process.  I felt like a failure.  Despite what I found out, what he did, I still wanted to make it work.  More heartbreaking than the actual affair was the fact that he didn't want to fight for us, for our family, for our future.  I truly understand what it means to have a broken heart.

I spent countless days and nights crying.  I closed myself off from most of my friends.  I only shared this with my best friend and my mom.  I didn't want to be judged or have him judged if we did end up staying together.  Hiding away from the world what I was really feeling and presenting myself like I still had the perfect life and the perfect family.  NOT dealing with my problems or healing myself.

THIS IS WHY I ASK FOR COMPASSION.  It might not be that you're not approachable, it might just be that other person.  They have their reasons.  Just a smile could mean so much to a person that is struggling with something on their own.  When they are ready, they will reach out.

I almost ended this post here but I don't want to leave you on a sad note.  Where to go from here?  Well, I found a counselor.  I begged my husband to go.  He went to two sessions and didn't want to go back.  Me, I knew I needed something.  I went by myself and started the healing process.  I also found martial arts.  My son started taking classes when he was four and I decided I needed to do something for myself.  These were the two best decisions I made!  

More to come . . . so stay tuned.